The Final Chapter





I’ve been wrestling with what to say or even to do this last blog. There really are no words to express the deep hole that is now in my life. Jesse and I were one flesh and now a half of me is gone to be with Jesus. There’s such a longing for eternity I’ve never experienced before. Everything gets put into perspective after going through the valley of the shadow of death. Being beside your best friend as he takes his final breath on earth changes you forever, to usher someone into the kingdom of heaven yet you have to stay here because your work isn’t yet complete. It was such a holy yet sorrowful moment that I will never forget the rest of my days. 

Jesse’s prayer for us on that night we had a beautiful celebration to honour him was “Lord if I do go and it leaves a big hole would you fill it with you.” What profound words Jesse prayed as he knew the only way to fill that void of his absence was Jesus. 

I would be lying if I said that everything is peachy and we’re doing great; that just isn’t the truth. I’m wrestling with questions and some days it all feels so unfair. God, why did you take my husband at such a young age?  I absolutely hate the word widow and single mother…. now part of my new identity. God, why do my children have to be fatherless and go through such pain at a young age? You say this will work for my good but this doesn’t feel good right now. Can I wake up from this terrible nightmare? I just want my life to go back to the way it was. Yet I’ve seen the Lord’s tender faithfulness to our family in different ways over the past month. From little details to the big He really does care about them all.


So as I close this chapter of writing the blog, I don’t know where life will take me and that is frightening . I heard a quote recently:  “But I have found when I take away the burden of certainty, it frees me up to walk in faith. I don't have to wait to have all the answers. In fact, maybe I'm not supposed to have all the answers.” Certainty can become such an idol in our lives and an illusion. There really is no certainty in life, but the certainty that one day we will all die. We can have the certainty of knowing where we will go after we pass through the valley of the shadow of death into eternal life with Jesus. I’ve learned that nothing else matters . 


“The sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us. - Romans 8:18 


In Christ,

Jenn


https://youtu.be/J_C5Vch_qTg


This song played seconds after Jesse’s last breath, listening to it now brings me right back to that Holy sacred moment :

https://youtu.be/gpOPkzplHRw


Jesse’s celebration of life 


https://youtu.be/4sw4aAaHCyM





















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